Testin'

Yo back up now and give a brother room, the fuse is lit and I'm about to go BOOM.

Yeh, raise yo glasses and shake yo asses cos Tuesday night am Quiz Night.

Monkey Neil hosts the quiz each Tuesday. He used to be Kool And The Gang rollin’ wit the other bar-staff till he stopped takin his responsobilitays serious so the commitay handed his ass to him.

That’s the way the Club rolls.

But he still comes in of a Tuesday – props for that – and lays down some righteous questions for the homies.

It’s a quiet night on the usual – jus me, a good book and some bangin’ tunes from the radio at the end of the bar rockin’ Magic in the Eff -Em to contend with - but it’s started getting crazy like Crazy-Glue since the Quiz started. My word, this is some mad action of a Tuesday.

Sometimes the nightly take is £45.25 instead of the big zero.

Not gonna last though.

Gordon The Baker: How’d it go then? Quiz neet and that?

He’s my first customer of the evening. It’s Wednesday night. Nine to the thirty.

Me: [Not getting-over the fact that he orders a pint of John Smith’s, drinks half of it and then tops it up with a bottle of Strongbow. Which is just wrong] Ah. Not as well as last week.

Gordon The Baker: [He’s not baked anything in at least 10 years but can’t let go of the nickname] Why like? What was the craic?

Me: Well. A bit awkward. There were three teams…

Gordon: Not bad. [Gestures at the radio at the end of the bar] Bit raucous isn’t it?

Me: It’s ‘Magic’, Gordon. [Glance around bar at non-existent customers] Do you think it would bother anyone if I re-tuned it to ‘Smooth’?

Gordon: Nae botha son. So. Three teams. Not bad…

Me: One to begin with. One team of three. No-one else tipped-up so they split to three teams of one.

Gordon: Oh.

Me: Yeeeah.

Gordon: Double Glenmorangie please. So how’d it go this week?

Mofo not realisn’ bad shit be goin’ down.

Me: Eh. Well. No-one.

Gordon: FUCKIN’ DISGRACEFUL! He does the quiz down the road dun’t he?

Me: Rumour has it not. Not anymore. He’s got a real job now.

Roger Whittaker comes on the radio.